From time to time I veer away from my other goofy projects to write things. Horrible things. Things that probably don’t need writing. This synopsis for Crimson Peak is one of them, written on a quiet day at the Mines on many smallish scraps of notepaper. Disclaimer: I love this film,in all it’s Gothic glory, and I love Guillermo Del Toro. And yet there is snark. The snarking comes from love. Also, spoilers aplenty!!
~Crimson Peak, a Cautionary Tale for Young Impressionable Victorian Ladies with Hearts of Gold~
*There is whiteness, a field of blowing snow, and a bloodstained Mia Wasikowska stares out with stricken eyes*
“There are ghosts…I have always been able to see them. Usually at awkward moments when I’m having a bath or trying really hard to get some sleep…”
*A tiny Victorian child is grieving for her dead mother in her luxurious Victorian bedroom, when a dark, oozy spectre enters the room and whispers, “Don’t gooooo to Crimson Peak…sorry about the oozing…”*
Several years later~
“Hi, I’m Edith Cushing! I’m well off, beloved by my dad and my smoking hot childhood friend, and I’m an aspiring writer! I’m off to talk to a publisher about my ghost story!”
–Mean Girls of 1882: “Hisssssss”
Publisher: “Well, since you’re a girl and have superb penmanship, you gotta sex this manuscript up. Sorry!”
Edith: Dad, I can’t believe it! They want a love story, ugh. I’m not putting in some swoony male lead just to get people to see my work! I want to write bold, dashing tales of ghosts and tentacles and eldrich horrors beyond imagining!”
Edith’s Dad: “Hey, everybody loves a good star-crossed romance! And look, I made you a nice, sturdy pen! Just look at how sharp that nib is!”
Edith: “No, thanks. I’m going to type this instead. No way will I need this awesome pen in the nearish future!”
Dad: “Aww, but I sharpened the nib special!
(Edith tippy taps some keys in the main office and in looms someone tall, dark and Victorian)
Edith: “Hello! Are you late? My dad hates that. And he hates when you’re early too. And you’re Tom Hiddleston, which he’s really going to dislike. But I don’t. At all. Heh.”
Sir Thomas Sharpe, Baronet of Allerdale: “Is this your writing? It’s completely amazing!”
Edith: “Wow, your speed-reading skills are what’s amazing, I mean you just picked that up a second ago!”
~A Meeting Hall Full of Bearded Gentlemen~
Thomas: “I have excellent clay! Rich, red and oddly sinister! Fund my clever Clay-o-matic, and you’ll all be rich! Like the oozy, blood-like clay!”
Edith’s Dad: “Sir you’ve tried to raise funds in London, Edinborough, and Milan, and failed. And you have soft, soft hands that have never held tools like hammers or knives or large rusty hatchets. And your clay is burbling like a lava-lamp over there. So…no.”
~At the Cushing Home~
Edith’s Dad: “You’re sure you’re not coming to the ball? Your doctorish childhood friend with the unrequited crush is going, and his mother and sisters can’t wait to hiss at you!”
Edith: “I’ll pass. I’m just going to lounge around in my frilliest nightgown, Jane Austen style, with loads of books and paper. Seriously, it’s like there’s a library in this bed.”
Edith’s Ghost-Mom: “My beloved child, don’t go to Crimson Peak! Don’t marry that handsome British fellow! He and his sister are craaaaaaazy! Don’t doooooo it!!”
Edith: “Funny all I hear is, “Don’t go to Crimson Peak, blah blah Tom Hiddleston Hottie hot blah.”
Edith’s Maid: “BTW, Baron Sexypants is downstairs and super-wet. From waiting in the rain. To escort you to the ball.”
(30 seconds of frenzied primping later, and possibly help from talking mice:)
Edith’s Dad and Childhood Friend: “You look wonderful!!!”
Mean Girls of 1882: “Hisssss”
Lady Lucille Sharp of Allendale, sister of Thomas: *Plays the piano in a dragon-gown she looted from “The Cell” and hides huge ring the color of bloooood.*
Thomas: “Edith! Dance with me!”
Edith:”But the mean girl on my left is aching to and she’s been chasing you for weeks!”
Mean Girl: *Horrid side-eye*
Edith: “I’m in. Throw down your fancy Baron dance moves, tiger!”
*The candle in their conjoined hands bursts into flames from the glares coming from all sides–dad, childhood pal, mean girls and Lucille.*
~A Romantic Walk in a Park~
*Edith and Thomas walk in the buttery, buttery sunshine. Thomas scurries off with Edith’s new “love story added” manuscript while Lucille keeps Edith company…*
Lucille, stroking dying butterflies: “We don’t have butterflies at home. All we have are moths. Big, scary moths that thrive in the cold and damp.”
Edith: “What do they eat?”
Lucille: *strokes Edith’s face with butterfly corpse* “Butterflies. And sweaters. You should see the holes they’ve eaten in mine. No wool is safe!”
~A Dinner with Dad~
Edith’s Dad: “Alright, Sharpe Sibs, listen up. I did some digging, and I expected something shady, but this is way beyond the pale! Holy crap, you guys! What the HELL is WRONG with you people?!”
Thomas: “You won’t tell Edith, will you? Or the audience?”
Dad: “No. But you’re both leaving, tomorrow. Here’s a check. And you, Baron Hotstuff, will break Edith’s heart. Hard, so she won’t go running after you even if something horrible happens to me!”
(Naturally, after the heart-breaking and the quick “your dad made me do it” post-it Thomas added to Edith’s returned manuscript, something horrible did indeed happen to Edith’s dad…)
~The Funeral~
Edith: *Weeps*
Childhood friend: *Cautious Head nod*
Thomas: *Sinister head nod*
Edith: *Has giant red ring on her hand*
Goth Girls Across the Land: “I don’t see why Lucille made such a big deal about that ring; you can get those off Etsy for $20 a pop.”
~Welcome Home, Edith!~
Thomas: “We’re home! Welcome to you spooky, dilapidated mansion! It has all the conveniences, like picturesque holes in the ceiling! And leaves falling in artful ways, even though there are zero trees for miles! And oozy, blood-red clay coming out anywhere it can, and bathwater that runs red! Also, the house moans, groans, sighs, clanks and shrieks! There’s sharp, spikey decorative touches everywhere, and well, I hope you have your tetanus shots…”
Edith: “Oh look! An abandoned Papillion puppy! Such sweet, innocent symbolism! Can we keep it?”
Lucille: “Ohhhhh…it’s you. Welcome, I guess. See these clanky house keys? You’re so not getting any. But you will be getting lots and lots of tea!” *Hugs Thomas. A lot. Really, quite a lot.*
~Later, in the Sinister Bloodbath~
Edith: “What the…who the hell is playing fetch with the dog?”
Spooky Red Ghost: “I miss my doooooog. Little snoogums…”
Edith: “What?!?”
Ghost:”Get ouuuut….Seriously, more special effects are coming if you don’t leave. Oozy, grody special effects. Get ouuuuuuut…
~Next Morning~
Lu: “Hi there! Here’s some more tea! Lovely tea! And a naughty book! But I’m sure it’s no shock to you because you DID IT ALREADY, DIDN’T YOU? DIDN’T YOU? DID YOU?!?!”
Edith: “Um, no…Thomas respected my mourning and no. Sadly, regretfully, no.”
The Entire Internet; *pouts*
Lu:”GOOD! I mean, good. Yes. Everything is going to be fine. Enjoy your tea!”
~In the Gorgeous, Gorgeous Moth-riddled Workshop~
*After a hot makeout session with the wife, Thomas freezes in panic as Lu comes up the elevator with a full tray of cups, saucers, tongs, kettle, strainer, but no sugar, lemon or those little petit fours I like.*
Lucille: “WHO WANTS TEA?! EDITH, DRINK IT, DRINK THE TEA! TEA IS HAPPENING, PEOPLE!”
Thomas: *Secret Facepalm*
~Meanwhile in Buffalo, NY, at the Cushing house~
Childhood Friend: *Looking at copies of a newspaper headline and a suspicious document* “Holy crap!!”
~Night at Allerdale Hall~
*Edith is coughing up blood, alone in her bed. She wanders out to one of the hallways, with some helpful hints and a quick jump-scare or two from the ghost.*
Edith:”Wax cannisters hidden in a closet? And a hidden locked suitcase with “Enola” embossed on it? Am I in a Scooby Doo episode or something?”
Ghost #2 *staggers through the hall towards Edith* “Get Ouuuut, you silly girl! How many hints do you need, anyway? You see how stabbed I am? Stabbing will totally happen if you don’t! Get! Ouuuuut!”
Edith: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH”
~The Sexy Post Office~
Edith: “Thanks for getting me out of that house for a day. I really needed to get away from the ghostiness. And the dead insects. And the live insects. And the tea. I’m really starting to hate tea…”
Postie:”Mail call! Some letters from America, and Milan!”
Edith: “Milan? Didn’t Thomas go to–oh, yeah, sure, I can take that letter. Milan, yeah.”
Postie: “Hey, look, it’s a big cosy snow storm! Why don’t you crazy kids stay in our charmingly rustic room overnight? Because, you know, sexytimes…”*Cough cough*
The Entire Internet: “Yay, finally! WHOOOO!”
*Coming Home*
Thomas: “It’s good to be back home, sweet darling!”
Edith: “I’m so happy!”
The Entire Internet: *Sighs happily*
Lucille: “I MADE US BREAKFAST! ME! I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE! EVERYTHING!!” *eggs go flying with crazy skillet-slamming action*
(Between crazy shrieking and breakfast carnage, Edith slips a key off the keyring, for the seeeecret suitcase in the basement. She sneaks it back in a mock fainting fit, but nobody’s fooling anybody at this point. Later, Edith listens to the cylinders…)
Cylinder Recording: “Thomas, say you love me!”
Recorded Thomas: “Ummmm…”
*Edith goes through the meticulous envelopes full of damning evidence of murders. 3 murders, of Thomas’s wives. And a baby?*
Cylinder Recording: “They’re murdering me with tea-poison! If anybody finds this, get the hell out of the house!”
*Edith dashes out the doors and into the snow, but soon gets horribly stuck in the snowstorm and passes out on the stairs…*
Meanwhile–Edith’s Very Best Friend is at the Allendale Post Office, also delayed by the snowstorm…
BFF: “I have to get to Allendale!”
Postie: “We’re snowed in! If you wait a few hours, we can get this giant robot ready to go! I got a kid about your age, I’m betting he’s drift-compatible!”
BFF: “Sorry, can’t wait, gotta go!!”
(Edith wakes up to Lucille scraaaaaaaaaping her spoon across some sinister porridge…and horrible story-time ensues. )
Lucille: “My father was horrible, and broke my horrible mother’s horrible leg under his horrible boot. I made her all better. And you’ll be out of this bet really soon. You want some tea? No? Porridge?” *Scraaaaaaape*
Later, Edith stumbles out of bed and sees the first ghost, now with a poor, malformed ghost baby, who points down the hall to…Thomas and Lucille in flagrante delicto while Lucille is humming a GODDAMN LULLABYE, holy effin’ crap!!
Thomas: “Oh SHIT!”
Edith: “Oh SHIT!”
Lucille “AHAHAHAHA!!
The Entire Internet: “Oh noooooo…Not like this….not like this…”
Lucille keeps the monster train going by pushing Edith off a railing, into a pile of convenient foyer-snow, just as there’s a knock on the door…
BFF: “I’m really glad I got here in time to save Edith! I know about you both. You killed your mom, and all the wives, and Edith’s father! We’re leaving!
(Lucille and Thomas take turns shanking our poor would be hero–Lucille gleefully, Thomas compassionately, while Lucille kills the little dog tooooooo…)
BFF: “Owwwwww, dammit! Should have taken the Jaeger after all…”
(Lucille drags Edith upstairs to do haircuts and have girl talk, while Thomas hides BFF in the blood-clay basement.)
Lucille: “Sign the papers so I can keeeeell you at last! And your manuscript? It’s very warming! Ahahah! ” *Tosses it in the fireplace*
Edith: “You killed them! You killed them all! Even the baby! Enola’s baby, you killed it!!”
Lucille: “Nooooo, it was *my* baby, and he was born wrong, and I should have let it die, but I wanted it, and Enola thought she could save it, and it died, and she died, and love is a sick, twisted maimed thing that makes monsters of us all…”
Edith: “No, I’m pretty sure that’s just you.”
Lucille: “And your dad? I killed him too! Nice pen you have there!”
Edith: *Stabs Lucille with pen, escapes to the elevator, where she runs into Thomas.*
Edith: *flails with pen* “Get away from me! You lied to me! You poisoned me! You said that you loved me!”
Thomas: “I did, and I did, and I do! Here, trust me one more time–I’ll go in and deal with my crazy sister-girlfriend and you can wait right here for me where it’s not safe. Okay?…”
*Thomas confronts Lucille and burns the estate papers in the same fireplace where the manuscript is merrily burning*
Lucille: “What the hell, Thomas? I got stabbed in the chest with a pen for these papers!!”
Thomas: “Listen to me, Lu; we don’t have to live in the creepy house anymore with the ghosts of all the people we murdered; we can go somewhere nice, sunny, topical even! All of us!”
Lucille: “What do you mean, “All?” You, me and Edith? Maybe Stabbed McStabberson in the basement can come with, too! You promised you wouldn’t fall in love with any of them!”
Thomas: “I did. But I did. And I do.”
*Lucille vents her frustrations and stabs Thomas in the chest like a pincushion, then the face, where he weeps tears of blood and dies. After wailing and shrieking at what she’d just done, she flies after Edith like a fury. Edith fights back, but is no match for Lucille, who gets out her very favorite Mom-chopping blade. Edith escapes into the snow again, limping, and sets off thomas’s digging machine for cover…*
Lucille: “I will come until you kill me…or I kill you!! Which really means me killing you! A lot! Quite a lot!”
Edith: “Help me!!”
Lucille: “Who’s left to help you? Not Stabbed Bestest Friend!”
Edith: “No, look behind you!”
(Lucille does, and in shock sees Thomas as a ghost, and while she stands there in horror Edith clobbers her with a shovel.)
Lucille: *mumble mumble* “Still coming to kill you…or you kill me…”
Edith: “DOUBLETAP!”
(And as Edith reaches for Thomas, he lingers for a moment, then blows away gently in the wind)
Edith: “So. Widow it is, then.”
(As Edith and her Stabbed Bestest Friend stumble off toward hordes of rescuers, there is one last voiceover…)
Edith: “Ghosts exist. Where there’s fear, or love, or blood spilled, or where people are killed with aggressive tea-drinking, wherever Guillermo Del Toro hangs his hat, where there’s regret, and loss, and maybe a whole lot of crazy…”
Lucille: *Plays piano* “Shut up already, willya? And Mom, can you shut up too, or I’ll axe you in the head again. It all would have worked, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids…
*Fin*